Confidence
By Ken Chapman, Ph.D
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Two men were traveling together through a forest when, without warning, a huge bear came crashing out of the brush near them. One of the men, thinking only of his own safety, shoved the other aside and scrambled up a tree. The other, unable to fight the bear alone, threw himself on the ground and lay very still. He remembered reading somewhere that a bear would not touch a dead body. It must have been true. The bear sniffed at the man’s head for awhile and seeming to be satisfied that he was dead, walked away.
The man in the tree climbed down. “It looked just as if that bear whispered something in your ear,” he said. “What did he say?”
“He said,” answered the other, “that ‘playing possum’ was clearly a better strategy than counting on you.”
Well-founded confidence in another is invaluable. It is, however, a poor substitute for self-confidence. In any discussion of leadership we come, sooner or later, to this personal quality known as confidence.
Take a moment to paint a mental image of someone you hold in esteem as a leader. Focus on appearance, actions, habits, and lifestyle. When your picture appears sharp and clear, ask yourself these questions:
What specific personality characteristics does this person possess?
How does this person relate to others?
Does this leader appear to approach everything with a specific purpose in mind?
Is the leader a good planner, decision maker, and communicator?
Does he possess unshakable confidence that determines that he will succeed in whatever he attempts?
When you have examined the qualities that make this person a leader, ask yourself one more question: Was this leader born with such well-defined leadership traits?
The answer is an emphatic “no!” Erase from your mind now any traces of the myth that leaders are “born, not made.” Instead, recognize that everyone is born with the same potential for achievement, leadership, and success.
Formal leadership is the outgrowth of your ability to master the art of self-leadership; that is, “the ability to establish a specific direction for your own life and to proceed in that direction with the self-confidence that comes only to one who knows where he or she is going.” Leadership of others begins with leadership of self, and self-leadership begins with self-confidence.
Everyone, on one occasion or another, has suffered from a moment of self-doubt, a moment when there was uncertainty as to whether they could capably handle a new and unfamiliar situation. Conversely, many have had moments of supreme confidence when they felt they could conquer the world and attain “the unattainable” — and they did! Perhaps you have experience this, been told something could not be done — yet you did it!
Many people are overwhelmed by these “moments of self-doubt.” Confident leaders overwhelm the “moments.”
How can you develop the kind of confidence that will ensure the achievement of your goals and the development of your leadership ability? The answer lies within the question itself. People who achieve well-defined goals in life develop the confidence to confront new situations. Because of confidence, they view new situations as challenges and opportunities to grow and learn and often enjoy the moments. Many other people with equal talent and skills lack the confidence that a goals program will give you. They fear and avoid new situations and thereby limit their growth.
Within the organization, there seems to be a direct correlation between self-confidence and achievement. Effective people, in all positions, usually have an above-average measure of self-confidence. Much of the reason for your present level of responsibility, and certainly an important ingredient in your future success, is your confidence.
Confidence Inhibitors
Each of us has some finite limit to our physical, emotional, and intellectual abilities, but rarely do we approach that limit. Much of our ability is lying dormant. Most of us evaluate the limits of our abilities without truly testing them. Obviously, one of the keys to expanding these boundaries — to achieving more — lies in developing confidence by over-coming some common confidence inhibitors.
1. Predetermined Attitudes
Whether or not you approach a situation with confidence directly relates to your preconceived attitudes which were formed very early in life. While they may have been valid at one time, they may not be applicable to current circumstances. In some cases, early conditioning meant for your benefit had a stunting effect on your mental potential. By telling a child “to be seen and not heard” or “don’t speak unless you’re spoken to,” a parent begins the process of teaching social skills. In the adult world of business, sales people fear talking to new prospects and business people often fear group presentations because of preconceived attitudes. One of the keys to developing confidence is examining the current validity of your pre-conceived attitudes. Establish a goal to change and develop those attitudes which not conducive to your self-confidence growth.
2. Guilt Feelings
Another inhibitor to self-confidence is guilt feelings carried from childhood into adulthood. These feelings can create a sense of unworthiness. Understanding how and why feelings of unworthiness undermine your success will help you to eliminate these feelings and to achieve more. Further understanding will also help you to understand how and why some of your reports can be coached to greater heights of achievement.
How many of your reports have two consistent words in their vocabularies; namely, “almost” and “nearly” . . .”I almost did” or “I nearly became” are phrases usually followed by “if only” and a list of rationalizations. If you think about it, you or they are really saying, “I don’t deserve to be this happy or be this successful.”
Adult manifestations of guilt include feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, and unworthiness — especially of the good things. The problem with guilt feelings is that our “need to be right,” even if it is about being unworthy, will cause us to behave in a way that will ensure a crisis or problem. We will then be “right” and able to say, “I knew it was too good to be true.” The next time someone says to you “Things are going too smoothly” or “It seems too good to be true,” be alert to thwart the inevitable crisis that is likely to occur. The human “need to be right” is a powerful need.
3. Fear of Failure
All of us at one time or another suffer from mild fears or vague apprehensions. However, a leader whose fear of failure prevents taking any risks is avoiding the very situations which develop confidence. Babe Ruth, world renowned as a home-run hitter, has held the record for the most strike-outs in a career. Had his fear of striking out dominated his thinking, he certainly would not have been home-run “king” for so many years.
The self-confident leader realistically measures the risk of failure against the rewards of success. For you, the benefits to be gained by climbing Mt. Everest might not outweigh the risk of failure. However, you may decide that you would be amply rewarded by seeking to meet your organization’s performance goals, even though the risk of failure is great. Recognize the fear of failure for what it is and turn it into a powerfully motivating force. When faced with the possibility of failure, become aggressive. Develop the determination to succeed and recognize that failure may only be a setback, an opportunity to learn. An individual only fails when he or she stops trying. You can try and you can fail. But the only thing you cannot do is not try. A winner never quits and a quitter never wins (circa 1968 . . . .my high school football coach).
4. Other Fears
Fear can be a very functional feeling which warns us of potential danger. When a situation is perceived as dangerous, physical changes occur in the body which prepare you to take action — either fight or flight. Likewise, changes occur in the mind and your reaction is likely to be the same — fight or flight.
A situation is perceived as dangerous when the individual associates it with a similar occasion which, earlier in life, was found to be dangerous mentally or physically. Danger can and does mean many things. The danger can range from physical or bodily injury to rejection from others. Fear is a conditioned response and can be related to very early conditioning. A child knows little or no fear of rejection or failure until the child is “taught.” New to the ways of the world, a child accepts on faith values given by adults. A child raised in an atmosphere when criticism flows freely will tend to fear criticism and shy away from situations which will possibly result in the same. These individuals will have difficulty realizing or developing their self-image because fear will cause avoidance of any but the most comfortable situations. They will thus avoid the very experiences necessary for the development of self-worth and self-confidence. The fear of parental criticism is simply transferred to the work environment.
Relationships with an authority figure such as a boss are frequently repetitions of former behavior patterns which an adult used as a child to appease his or her early authority figures.
If you wish to develop a high degree of confidence, it is important that you locate and gain control over those fears which might impede your progress on the road to success. It is critical to you as a leader of people that you do develop the skills necessary to help your people overcome their fears and develop self-confidence.
Overcoming Fear
In the words of Franklin D. Roosevelt, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” The first step in overcoming fear is understanding what it is and why we feel it. Most of our fears are merely adult manifestations of feelings developed in childhood. These fears of criticism, of punishment, of reprimand, or of negative strokes, often stemmed from an abundance of criticism that, at the time, may have been well intended.
Fear is thinking about what we do not want to happen. It is focusing on the negative. As you have already begun to realize, negative thinking generally gets negative results. Realize also that your “attitude” will have a direct effect on fear.
1. Try to locate the source or origin of the fear. Once uncovered, you will frequently find it is unrealistic in light of your achievements. It may stem from early conditioning and have no place in your adult thinking. Awareness of a fear often relieves its discomfort and enables you to overcome it.
2. Analyze a situation which provokes fear. Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that could possibly happen?” Then be realistic about the possibilities of that happening. Usually the fear is unwarranted.
3. Train yourself to think less about yourself and concentrate on achieving your goals. The more conscious attention you give to where you want to go and who you want to be, the less time you will have to think about your fears.
4. Concentrate on the positive qualities you possess instead of dwelling on those qualities which you may consider negative. Make frequent “mental” references to your known strengths and previous achievements.
5. Do not let yourself get hung up in a search for absolute perfection. The kind of excellence needed to build a fine piece of furniture is not necessary when shoring up the underside of a porch. Set your standards to fit the job at hand.
6. Recognize that you can never know enough to be absolutely certain when you make a decision. All worthwhile decisions involve some degree of risk. By making no decisions at all, you run the risk of having someone else make them for you. Once you know yourself and have a set of goals based on your own values, be comfortable with the fact that you have based your decisions on the best of your beliefs and knowledge.
7. Do not become immobilized through fear of making mistakes. There are few mistakes which cannot be rectified. Every great success has been and will be a result of learning from mistakes. You will never learn how far you can go until you are willing to take the risk and make a mistake. A mistake can often lead to a very productive learning experience for you. Little growth can take place without trial and error.
8. Believe that most people are for you rather than against you. Your behavior based on this belief will help you be friendlier toward others. Their response will usually be a reciprocal one of friendliness.
9. Set goals. One of the great values of your goals program is that high goals require growth. By setting challenging yet realistic goals, you will stretch your capacity and thus use more of your untapped potential. As you begin to achieve goals in all areas of your personal and business life, your confidence grows in proportion to your achievements. As your confidence grows, your courage to achieve even greater goals grows also.
Confidence and Individuality
As a confident individual you will have evaluated yourself, identified the good values by which you live, and have set realistic goals toward which you will now strive with assurance. You can listen to criticism or suggestions from others, measure them against clearly defined personal standards, incorporate those which you judge useful, and ignore or discard those which do not apply to your goals.
Confident, caring leaders are the ones whose people want to get up in the morning and go to work for them.
